So you live in Madison County, Montana and rodeo just isn’t your thing. I may never understand you, but I will forgive you for that and so will the Madison/Jefferson County Fair committee. In fact, they have gone out of their way to make sure that you have a good time at the fair, even if you never see a horse buck or a steer wrestled.  

“While the rodeo is always a crowd favorite, I love being able to offer something unique for everyone,” said fairgrounds manager Andrea Estomo. “The fair is a celebration of community, tradition, and fun, and adding unique performers to the mix helps us keep the event fresh and exciting year after year. This year, we’re especially excited to welcome a sword swallower: acts that will surprise and delight audiences of all ages. It’s experiences like these that make the Madison/Jefferson County Fair a place where families come together, create memories, and enjoy something new each time they visit.”

Before we take an in-depth look at sword swallowing, I’d like to take a moment to talk about axes. It is unlikely you will find an axe to grind at the Madison/Jefferson County Fair (although some folks have a knack for finding those wherever they look,) but I happen to know you will find axes to throw. The Montana Axe Bar and Throwing Company is bringing their mobile axe throwing cage to the fair and for $10 you can throw an axe 10 times. For $20 you can throw an axe as many times as you want. 

Don’t dismiss this axe throwing thing. The World Axe Throwing League has developed a series of events across the nation and there are even professional axe throwers. Before you quit your day job you should know that the average wage for a professional axe thrower is just under $40k a year, but the sport is young and there is nothing quite like getting in on the ground floor. 

Speaking of sharp edges and dangerous things, let’s get back to talking about the sword swallower who is going to blow your mind at the fair. While I’m willing to bet a dollar that if you are referred to as “the world’s top sword swallower” by the Guinness Book of World Records and Ripley’s Believe it or Not the way that Dan Meyer is, you likely make more than $40k a year, I’m also willing to bet a dollar that you and I will be better off watching swords be swallowed than we will trying to make a living swallowing them. 

I suppose you know that you are a world renowned sword swaller when you are featured on the “Got Talent” shows for America and half of Europe plus Australia and Canada. Although swallowing swords on Good Morning America looks nice on a resume, fairgoers are sure to get a much better performance from Meyer’s full show which combines danger, laughter, swords and fun and inspires audiences to “do the impossible” with their lives. 

While most days buying a home in Madison County feels like the impossible to me, I’m willing and eager to go see what a self described “skinny wimpy kid who got beat up by bullies” has done to manage to become a globally recognized talent. I mean, the guy has the most translated TED Talk in history, so maybe he can light my fire and help get me into that mobile home on a half acre lot that I’ve always dreamed of. I’ll be at at least one of his performances on the Beer Garden Stage at two and four p.m. on Thursday through Saturday. 

Not to be outdone, Eric The Excellent (who doesn’t love a good alliteration?) of Butte is bringing his magic act to the fair and rumor has it that he swallows things that are on fire and has a day job where he could get to help people who have swallowed things that are on fire. 

Eric, I’ll skip the journalist styling that would require me to refer to him as “the Excellent” here, is a registered nurse by day and at night puts together performances that use illusion, humor, stunts and audience participation to create memorable experiences. I’ll be catching at least one of his shows on the Pavillion Stage. He performs at noon and 3 p.m. on Thursday, noon and 5 p.m. on Friday and noon and 3 p.m. again on Saturday. 

After all of the death defying stunts and inspiration, younger fairgoers will find themselves fired up to put on a show in the bouncy houses. For me however, a nice calm trip to the petting zoo in the poultry/rabbit barn will likely be more beneficial. Plus, there is no love for almost 50 year old slightly overweight journalists in the bouncy house nowadays. So it’s fun with fuzzies for me. 

The hardest part of the upcoming fair as I see it is the 3 p.m. Friday afternoon time slot where the “puppet lady,” Toni Person of Helena, goes head to head with the greased hog scramble for our attention. I grew up with amazing puppet shows and by all accounts Person’s retelling of classic fairy tales are second to none, but I also have a soft spot for small children making absolute fools of themselves trying to outsmart greased piglets. 

Perhaps it is the fact that I have dabbled in hog farming and experienced the humiliation that an ungreased piglet who wants nothing more than to be wild and free can put upon a grown man that draws me to the hog scramble. Or it is the fact that there are likely going to be more opportunities to take pictures of cute piglets and determined children matching wits for the newspaper. Either way, I think the hog scramble is top of my list for don’t miss events on the weekend. Yes, there is livestock involved, but it is definitely not a rodeo event and there will likely be no other event that deals out as many belly laughs. 

If you prefer mystery and adventure to greased piglets and belly laughs, please take a moment to imagine that you have inherited a productive gold mine from your great grandmother. Sounds great right? Now here comes the State of Montana demanding that you prove the mine belongs to you. Typical isn’t it? Now you’ve got to descend deep into the mine to find the deed that is hidden there so you can save your future from the bureaucracy. Think you’re up to it? Give it your best shot at the escape room experience presented by Escape Room Parties on Friday and Saturday from three to eight p.m.

I was going to use this paragraph to tell you about the stick horse rodeo for kids under seven on Friday at 2 p.m. at the 4H show and sales ring, but that’s a rodeo so you are probably not interested. I bet it’s cute and fun though. 

Now that I’ve experienced a fair bit of the rest of the fair, I am in the mood to throw things again and that is just what is going to happen at the amateur horseshoe tournament Saturday morning. While axe throwing is a relatively new thing, as a competition anyway not what the vikings did, horseshoes have likely been thrown since, well, since horses started wearing shoes. 

I’ve been known to pitch a ringer now and again, so likely I’ll give my pickleball paddle the day off Saturday and see what kind of amateur talent Madison County has to offer in the pits. 

This article is getting long and I can’t think of anything witty to say about the “Small” equine 4H demonstration happening on Saturday at 2 p.m.  I do want to mention one more thing. This is a fair first and it is a big deal. There is going to be a King Arthur Baking Contest. Before you get too excited, I’m one step ahead of you in asking to be a judge and being told no. My bet is there is at least one county commissioner on that judging panel. Service has benefits I suppose. Even though you won’t get to taste all the goodies, you can still sign up to compete through the open registration page of the fair book or by downloading the open class entry form from www.madisoncountymt.gov/210/Madison-County-Fair-Rodeo.

One last thing, if you are willing to reconsider the whole “no rodeo” thing because there is a cool event attached to a rodeo, choose the ranch rodeo Saturday night and go early to check out the Ruby Valley FFA Tractor Pull at 4:30 p.m. before the rodeo starts. You won’t regret it.  

Have a great week and I’ll see you at the Fair.